You always knew what to say. 

I could really do with your words of wisdom right now. 

You really used to infuriate me sometimes, always so profound, able to see everyone’s point of view and you always always knew exactly what to say. Your ability to cut through all the BS would astound me. 

Emotional is how you would describe me, good and bad I suppose. I’ll take it as a good thing though haha. You always managed to not let your emotions cloud your judgement (most of the time). Even though it would feel as though you were talking in riddles, now I think that was your way of making me stop and listen. Even if I didn’t know it at the time you always made sense. 

I could really use just a little of that. This is bigger than me, I need you, I need your mind. I wish your words could fill me now the way they used to. 

This road I’m on. 

It’s been 3 months and it doesn’t seem like it getting any easier Brother bear. 

I have days where I think of you and I smile but there are days when I think of you I’m really quite sad. I’m focusing hard on those happy memories that make me smile, shake my head in wonder and remember just how much you are loved. 

My mind is taking me back to the days/evenings spent in your bedroom listening to music. 3 Doors Down is the band that comes to mind, you at your computer ‘listen to this one it’s really good’ me sitting on your bed enjoying the time with my little brother, my friend and confidant, sharing a mutual love of relatively ‘unkown’ music. I enjoyed this time with you so very much. We had battled through a difficult few years you and I. Custody battles, Mum dieing, Dads drinking, the list goes on. But we had each other and the laughter came easy. 

You were my strength then and I’m sure you will be now…with time. 

Love you. 

‘I wish I could fly’

When you were little when anybody asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up your reply was more often than not ‘I want to fly’. You said this with such sincerity I almost believed you would some day but that’s silly because people can’t fly right?

Well turns out the joke was entirely on me.  

On your 21st birthday you flew out to Queenstown, New Zealand and so begun your greatest adventure. 

Because you made your dream a reality by becoming a paragliding instructor and not only that but also the first person to fly from Mt Cook. You defied gravity and you soared. The joy in which you took in your life beemed from you like the sun. It made me happier just to see your daily persuits. And the people you have inspired along the way made this even more amazing to watch. 

Brother you did it! 

Misty Mornin’s

There are so many things that combine to make a sibling relationship. Love, laughter, an appreciation that your parents are probably mental and a fair amount of arguing, ‘he breathed on me’ ‘that’s mine’ ‘I want that’ ‘Daaaaaad he hit meeeee’. 

When I think of our relationship brother I think of many of the above but more often than not I think of our ‘in jokes’. The fact that you would say pussy wassums instead of diddums to portray a hint of sarcasm. That from the age of 9 upwards you really liked S Club 7 but when you turned 15 you denied it. You would call people by the wrong name regularly but would commit anyway. Mostly a sentence from a programme or film we would have watched. 

But my favourite of all these is ‘Misty mornin’s’. This came from the video of the behind the scenes at the Billabong Pro. We watched that video (yes video, that shows the age) endlessly and without tiring whilst on holiday in France. This was the time when you were still a ‘little grom’. Not a very well known video and not many even knew what we were talking about but it was ours and we got it. Our little world. And still years later it was ours. 

My best friend 

I was 3 when you arrived. I remember being very excited about the prospect of having a little sister. Someone to play with, do their hair and dress them up in my image. Nevertheless we were all very surprised when it was not the little girl we had all anticipated but YOU! A bouncing baby boy, Dad was pleased at least. 

However over the coming years you did not disappoint little brother, you were more than willing to join in with my need and want to dress you up, do your hair and paint your nails. 

Needless to say I became very protective over this little screaming ball that had been catapulted into my life, in fact if you looked protective up in the dictionary you would likely find a picture of me stood in front of you. ‘Big sister’ was a job I took very seriously, especially when mum left you at such a young age. 

Someone said ‘siblings are your first friends’. Nothing could be more true in my opinion. My partner in crime, my mischief. Nothing is more fun than a little brother who has no fear (except moths). 

Some days…

Today was one of those days where that feeling of walking around in a bubble I couldn’t really shake. 

Small things make me think of you, like the way the light changes through to the evening, the evening song of the birds, The smell of someone cooking. Small things but they spark certain thoughts and not ones I enjoy.

 I try so very hard to steady myself the way you would and the way you would want but some days the darkness creeps in a little and I cannot shake it. 

My eyes sting and my heart aches, the lump in my throat that just won’t go away. 

This is normal ‘they’ say, whoever ‘they’ are. But no this is not normal, anything but normal. Normal is having you! Listening to you. Watching you. Laughing with you. Arguing with you. 

I miss you. 

Where did you go? 

I’ve wrestled with this sentence for the last few months and I am settled on the thought that you haven’t really gone anywhere? I will see you again, not tomorrow and maybe not the next but I WILL see you again. 

Your bright white light has not gone out. You are the moon to my sun now, you are there whilst I am not but that doesn’t mean you have gone. 

You have touched so many, your humour, your positivity, your hunger for life. 

The world stopped spinning for a time but that’s not what you would want. 

I see you between mountain and sea.